TNA iMPACT 2 hour debut coverage
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Yeah, they've done 2 hours before so debut is a pretty stupid thing to call this but well...you know.
Anyway, I'm back in the recapping chair for the first time since July for an episode of iMPACT. I'm not coming back to this perminently as I'm Michelle McCool and loving life too much for that but I am doing this broadcast to show everyone how little has changed.
If you've not read my recaps before, I don't do play-by-play. I just hit the high points or in the case of iMPACT, the low points.
TNA...We are, wasting my time!!!
Ok, opening video package cracks me up for 2 many reasons to list. 5 years ago, the dream that is TNA was born. Some people's dreams are other's nightmares. They "embrace every small accomplishment", well when that's all you've got.
Tonight, a new Era begins in TNA. Seriously, a New Era. An Era that is new. Newness, in the Era tonight. Brand new, Era, new, era, era, new, new era, era, new era?
Black Rain's hometown is the deepest darkest corner of his mind. I wonder how far that is from WCW Special Forces or the last house on the left?
Black Rain and Rhino is my second match choice to start off this show if I have it my way. Every other possible match in the company is tied for first.
Match starts at 8:06. This will become important, well never because nothing that happens on this show is important but I'll make note of this again.
Tenay, it is obvious that Mitchell has recruited Black Rain to his group. It isn't obvious to me, I've not been watching, so how about you telling me when this happened?
Don West almost said something smart when he said: "Black Rain's brain doesn't work", but then blew it by finishing with "like everyone else's".
Raven comes out to like watch the match or something, hell really it was just to be closer to the ring for his run-in.
Commercial!!!
Unintentionally hallarious video package aside, this new era kinda looks familiar.
Bound for Glory is TNA's premier PPV of the year, and we know this because all the gimmick matches. The selling point in that commercial? The women's championship gauntlet match. I'm thinking of a phrase that rhymes with grow flies to describe the number of purchases for this show.
We're back and Raven ran in but stuff happened and Rhino won so of course they double team. Match ends at 8:15, subtract 4 minutes or so of commercials and we got roughly a 5 minute match. Mew, good thing they had more time.
Raven and Rain doubleteam Rhino but then Abyss comes out, right as his music plays, to I guess warn Rain and Raven to his presence. James Mitchell comes out, then Havoc then like Art and Euan and Wade and Danger and Ric and Me and Steve Austin and Andre the Giant and Mark Madden and Sting!!
Nice to see Sting focused on his match with the Drunken Driver by helping Abyss. Angle shows up on the video screen, he drove to the school of sting's son to watch him play football. He's decided to have a few beers, chase them ith some pills and watch some football.
Angle's 3 I's return. Intoxication, Idiocy and involuntary vomitification. He's lucky they don't introduce his ass to the 4th I of Incarseration.
Commercial!!!
Ah, 6 minutes of stuff that happened for no explained reason and then more commercials. Can you see the difference in the new era? Can you, huh, huh, huh?
Angle is back. His interview sounded like this. Chug, chug, chug, beer, beer, ber, more beer!!! Drink!!! Varoom varoom!
Borash pimps TNA mobile then Guru and Machismo show up.Ok, Guru Sonjay Dutt is the greatest man alive.
Team 3-D attack the X-division stars from behind. They beat them down and then drag them to the ring. It is lucky that Jay Lethal isn't the reigning X-division champion ,because that would be embarrassing to the whole division. It would be even more embarrassing if the X-division champion had to be saved by Shark Boy in a neck brace. It is a good thing this is not happening.
Brother Ray starts speaking and in a related development I'm grabbing my dinner.
He says they're just going to beat guys until they get a title shot. Then they 3-d someone whom is called the X-division champion through a table. However, that can't possibly be right because with 2 hours the X-division will be given time to develop and treated with respect.
Backstage to Crystal and Sting. Sting starts yelling at some dude named Keith about ratings and headphones and satellites.
Commercial!!!
More people flip out on next week's TUF. Maybe Dana makes them watch TNA.
Sting says if Angle touches his son, he's going to pay. Angle says, hey, I just want to have a beer with the kid, chill out!! So Sting agrees but only if Kurt agrees to drive his son home when they're done.
It has now been 22 minutes since the last match ended and by last match, I mean first on the show. Thank God they got that second hour for longer wrestling. In this case, longer wrestling looks like a Robert Roode promo.
Robert Roode keeps yelling to Traci something about wanting the job.
Sweet Jesus and God and Mr. Dana McMahon. We just saw an argument between new interview girl nobody cares about, and old interview girl that nobody cares about. Yay for 2 hours!
It is 8:41 and the last match ended at 8:15. New Era!!!
James Storm is drinking beer, he must've stole it from Angle.
This match is a minute old and Roxie LaVeaux is already out to watch, or be closer for her run-in. Now Christy Hemme is coming out to like watch and stuff...no, just watch because a run-in would never happen on this show and especially not in 2 back-to-back matches.
Tenay says we need to get used to the 2 hours of iMPACT. I don't think that's possible.
Gail wins, and then Roxie attacks her from behind. Another post-match brawl? Really? Never saw that coming.
Backstage to JB with Cornette. Cornette gives 3-D the title match they want then warns them that what goes around comes around. Then Sting comes in and starts yelling and Cornette says he knew nothing about what Angle was doing. So, um, what did Cornette originally have planned for the time that Angle used to talk about football with sting's son? I'm thinking of awarding Cornette a humanitarian award for working with Russo for a year and not killing him. I'm also thinking of stripping him of the award for working with Russo a year and not killing him.
Commercial!!!
Back with Dufman at Garrett Bordon's football game. Sting threatens to go all Chris Benoit on Angle's ass, I'm not clear on what that means but it sounds family friendly enough.
Well, it was only like 10 minutes between the end of the last match and the beginning of this one. Given the fact that Pacman is involved though, I wish it had been longer. Infinity sounds about right.
This will shock you, but Killings starts the match for his team. Eventually, Pacman is tagged in and Brother Ray engages in some stallification. A football is brought in to play and Pacman tosses it at the back of Ray's head. So help me, I'm kind of entertained by how they work around Pacman not being able to wrestle. I'm not entertained enough to enjoy it, but I am entertained.
So Pacman gets a chair and is about to hit Ray when VKM come out and pull Truth out of the ring for the DQ. That's 2 run-ins in 3 matches and then we get the third post-match brawl in 3 matches which is capped off by the return of the Steiners.
Winners: Team Pacman - DQ match went 6 minutes.
New Eras rule!
Commercial!!!
Raven interview, he's not washed up. He wants a match and Abyss is all like Monsters Ball, Biatch.
Oh, I forgot this was even on this show.
Storm and Kaz start out. Apparently, all 10 men in this match will also be in fight for the right. A match so horrible I'm coming out of PPV recapping retirement to cover BFG. Robert Roode is third, Petey Williams is 4th.
Tenay says that Cornette has banned, Kim, Christy, Jackie and Roxie from interferring in this match. Yeah, got to nip those run-ins in the bud before they become an epedemic. Eric Young is 5th and it is like a Team Canada reunion here. Jimmy Rave is sixth and nobody's been eliminated yet as far as I care. Chris Sabin is 7th and it is too bad the Guns are going to be in the stupid reverse battle royal instead of a kick ass match against say XXX or LAX. Shelley is 8th and if a minute passed by between Sabin's entrence and his own, then Joe Scarola is no pussy. Williams and Rave are the first 2 eliminated. Hoyt is 9th. Hoyt eliminates Sabin, and Chris Harris is the last man in.
Crowd chants TNA for some reason that is foreign to me.
Roode is beating on Kaz outside the ring and arguing with Traci at the same time. I'm watching this shit and typing about this shit at the same time.
Commercial!!!
Chris Harris was eliminated during the break, but they did show it to us when we came back so we should be thankful for that. Roode and Young eliminate Lance Hoyt. Roode and Kaz are eliminated and it is James Storm and Eric Young to wrestle one-on-one to decide who wins this match.
I don't know what the winner gets and if I wanted a second to ponder it I didn't get it because the singles portion of this match lasted 30 seconds before Eric Young surprised Storm for the win.
Winner: Eric Young
A pointless segment involving Christian, Tomko and Styles airs. Tomko is headed to Japan, AJ was going to go as well, Christian says AJ has to stay. Christian asks Tomko to bring him some chopsticks while AJ wants a gui.
It takes effort, real effort for me not to crack up at Christian.
Commercial!!!
Back with a video package on Ultimate X. The Ultimate X remains the only gimmick match TNA has ever produced that I actually like.
Angle is back at the game and is hitting on random cheerleaders. She says, uh hey I need a blood test and he's like, dude never mind.
Christian and Joe video package. ZZZ
LAX's music is weird without the Konnan vocals. Junior Fatu's music is totally a Too Cool knockoff song. Samoa Joe's music got a remix as well.
The action starts off pretty good, I love AJ doing everything to avoid the Stinkface.
Commercial!!!
Manswers ad!
Back to the match with the heel side in control due to Elix Skipper's interference. Ah, interference I wish I could see more of you somehow.
They cut off Homicide who eventually recovers and makes the hot tag. It breaks down in to an 8 man brawl. Daniels gets the stinkface.
Just way too much stuff going on but this is one heck of a main event. It is almost like this one match is on a different show from the rest of the crap.
Samoa Joe muscle buster on Senshi and that's all she wrote.
Winners: Samoa Joe, Junior Fatu and LAX
We close with Angle who wants to face the old Sting and bla bla bla bla bla.
My Thoughts: Interference in a vast majority of matches, a post-match brawl in 3 of 5 matches, some pointless backstage arguing between people nobody cares about, it still feels like an old Era to me.
However, I did like the Ultimate X package and the main event.
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